Happy Birthday To Me
On this particular morning, I woke up with some weird joy… today was going to be a good day, I could feel it. It was my birthday!!! 15 never looked better, chale.
As a form one boy in Motown, there were two really simple tricks to staying happy on your birthday:
- Determine beforehand to remain happy — in form one, happiness is a conscious decision, not a fleeting emotion.
- Tell NO ONE that it is your birthday.
The first rule was necessary simply because there were always people, teachers or students, ready to trample on your joy for free. But that’s everyday form one life… nothing new there.
The second rule was actually the more important one — and for good reason.
Nowl, my dear Ghanaians, “ponding” is not even a real word, at least, not in the way that we use it.
When a Ghanaian says they’ll pond you, it means they’ll pour water on you while you’re still fully dressed. It’s a birthday tradition popular with Ghanaian millennials.
However, when a Ghanaian high school or university student says he’ll pond you… run. They mean you no good. In addition to water, there will be powder, sand, strokes of a belt, all manner of creative methods of inflicting pain and humiliation.
I’ve legit seen someone take a gate to the face by accident during a ponding… yeah, a metal gate, the one you have to open to let the car into the house. (Don’t worry, he survived).
Personally, I was hunted like a deer and ponded me in the middle of the street once.
You get the idea… if the boys hear it’s your birthday, your day is going to end differently.
So, smart boy that I am, I woke up, did my chores, and began my day quietly. I can’t coman kee maself.
The only person who knew was Obodai, and if he didn’t rat me out for the bolus incident, my birthday secret was safe with him.
Break Time
By break time I’d been having a great day. I’d solved a killer math question on the board earlier, and managed to stay awake during Chemistry class. When your Chemistry teacher is nicknamed “Coma” for constantly putting people to sleep in his lessons, you know you’ve done well to stay up through an hour of his teaching.
So when the school bell rang signalling break time, I congratulated myself on making it through the first half or so of the day peacefully. It was time to reward myself with a birthday treat: “Vitale” — yoghurt made by the home economics department — with samosas and sausage rolls. I gathered my coins from my bag, lifted my head and almost had a heart attack.
Akua! She was standing, right in front of my desk, with a mischievous smile on her face.
When did she sneak into the classroom? What was she doing here? Why did she look so crafty? And how was it possible for one human being to be so fine?? 😩😩😩
“Hi, Kodzo!” She greeted so animatedly.
“Hey”, I replied with my best smile. “What brings you here?”
“Oh, nothing, I’ve just missed you.”
“Ehnn?”, I thought. “Ehnn?”, my mouth echoed. We’d just been on “Hi” and “Bye” terms for weeks now.
“Oh, I said I’ve missed you la, na me deɛ gyae w’asɛm. Let’s go get a snack”.
I did a mental check of how much food my coins could buy. It couldn’t buy much.
“I’m going to buy vitale oo”, I said, “Abi you deɛ you eat pack chow, or?”
“Silly boy.” She laughed, displaying her dimples, oh those dimples. 😍 “Let’s go and buy the vitale. That pack chow can’t satisfy me anyway.”
Seriously, that food couldn’t satisfy anyone, but that’s a story for another day.
As we walked to the vitale stand a voice in my head kept scolding me. “Foolish boy! On your birthday you’re taking a girl to snack with 2 cedis and 20 pesewas. Are you serious in life?”
You should convert GHS2.20 to dollars with Google if you don’t speak cedis. You’ll laugh!
“Get behind me Satan”, I whispered under my breath.
Akua looked at me sideways with a puzzled look. “Pardon me?”
“Oh nothing”, I replied.
Another second of thought. “I was rebuking the devil.”
She thought it was a joke. “Eishh, man of God, he was telling you I’m a temptation eh?”
“Oh how?” I replied. “Akua paa? He was laughing at me that I’m taking a girl to snack with just coins.”
The girl almost fell down laughing. “Ah! But — but I’m the one who asked us to go to snack together.” She was gasping to catch her breath now, and her eyes glistened with tears from laughter.
“I’m paying.” She said it so matter-of-factly.
Such a sweet girl. But abi you know dada, hard guy like me, I had to refuse the offer the first time.
“Oh I’ll pay and we’ll share.”
She looked at me, with mock seriousness. “Kodzo, I’m not playing with my food… and I won’t offer again”. She added that last part with a sly smile that said “checkmate”.
I surrendered. “It’s okay, dadaba girl. I’ll let you pay today, but I’ll get you one of these days.”
20 Minutes Later…
With a belly full of vitale, sausage rolls and samosas; and a heart full of the joy that comes from sharing a meal with an angel, I walked back to the form 1 block with Akua.
I felt like I’d made it in life. Look at me walking with the embodiment of prettiness. This was the best birthday ever! And she didn’t even know.
Maybe it was fate after all. We’d had fun at the vitale stand. I’d told her about the bolus launching, and sworn her to secrecy. The story tickled her so badly she laughed till yoghurt came out her nose — fountain of sweetness that she was. 😂
As soon as we got to the front of my class that annoying person in charge tolled the school bell. Break was over. Those darn bellboys!
She smiled at me. “I have to go. We should do this more often.”
“I agree. Thanks for the snack.”
She took two steps toward the staircase. Arts 4, was upstairs.
Suddenly, as if on second thought, she came back, wrapped me in a hug and whispered in my ear, “Happy birthday Kodzo”.
I don’t know how to put this less disgracefully: I blacked out.
No, I didn’t faint or fall… but I lost conscious control of my senses for like 20 seconds. When I came to myself she was gone.
But — but how did she know?! Had anybody seen what just happened? Did anyone hear that it was my birthday?
I entered the classroom, and everyone was quiet, looking at me weird.
Climax started taking off his belt. “E be your birthday?”
“Foolish boy. E be you born me?” I retorted. My bluff game was strong oo.
“You dey lie, e be your birthday. That be why the chick hug you make you conf.”
He tried to hold his ground, albeit a little less sure of himself now. If only he knew how accurate he was.
I put on my most serious face. “If you take this belt touch me, I go beat you like some kiddie for here.”
I haven’t mentioned that Climax is short, have I? Well, he is, and I played the height card to perfection, walking closer and staring him down till he had to look all the way up to see my face. Nobody told him to back down.
The next teacher entered the room right then. Kodzo 1 : 0 Climax.
Prep
I made it to prep without a scratch. It really had been a good day.
Snack break with Akua alone was the bomb, and the rest of the day had just been really cool. I’d called home and heard from the fam, eaten some heavy gashit, and avoided getting a birthday beatdown.
When I got to prep, I sat behind my desk and started studying. Just kidding, I put my head down to sleep. Chale, I was tired.
Just before I could drift off to sleep, I noticed a blue sheet sticking out of the corner of my desk’s compartment. I didn’t remember putting anything there.
I pulled out the sheet only to realise it was a blue hand-made birthday card. I quickly looked around to make sure nobody had seen it.
I was safe.
The card had “Kodzo” boldly written on the outside. I slid it into my Aki-Ola Core Math book — stealth mode, chale.
Hey Kodzo,
I didn’t hear about the birthday early enuf, else I woulda gotten u a better card. (Obodai seemed kinda hesitant 2 tell me) Apparently, I would be putting ur life in mortal danger if I leaked the info. But abi u deɛ, smart guy, who can pond u?
Anyway, this is just 2 let u know that u r a gr8 guy and I’m glad to have met u. HAPI B’DAY!!! And have a blast!
XOXO
Akua Aqua – Water is Life
PS.
I was serious when I said we should do the vitale and sausage roll thing more often.
Forget the plenty shorthand — have you ever seen someone just sitting at prep, smiling like an idiot? You should have seen me and my 50 gigawatt smile. I could have done a straight two-hour photoshoot without losing that smile. I so owed Obodai one. What a pal!
Plus this girl paa? Water is life. 😂😂😂 She remembered!
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep at prep anymore. This girl’s card was giving me life. I read it and re-read it saaaaa. When the bell was tolled for the end of prep I picked up my bag, tucked my Core Math book into my armpit and made my way towards the door. I was going to memorize the card that night.
“Kodzo, you dropped something”. It was Eyram, one Kingsley girl. I looked on the floor behind me and saw the card.
“Thanks.”
“Herh! Birthday card!!” Climax had seen the card!😲😱
Everything slowed down in the next few moments. It was like The Matrix.
Climax whipped out his belt. I grabbed the card. Boys-boys blocked the doorway. Climax flung the belt. His short arm missed me as I side-stepped his reach.
I don’t know how I did this next thing, maybe I’ll make a good rugby player, but next thing I knew I had charged through the human wall at the door and [slow-mo ends here] I was running into the night with like 15 boys chasing me… one for each year of my new age.
I’d like to say I outran them. I really would. But who am I kidding?
They caught me and taught me a lesson in opportunity cost: Was it worth it that I got the worst ponding in form 1 history because my secret was given away by a card from the most awesome girl on campus?
You bet it was worth it. And I’d go through it again and again if I had to… because Water is Life.
On top Charley
Thanks Kobby